Where have I been?
There’s been a seismic shift in my environment in more ways than I care to express.
The landscape from my window has changed; the leaves have gone, there’s a real bite in the air now.
So too has the landscape of my life changed. It looks and feels as bleak as Winter; bleaker than most Winters, for not only have I said good bye to November and Autumn, but also to my beloved Mum.
6 weeks ago my Mum died unexpectedly.
Whilst in hospital recuperating after she had a bad fall, she had a heart attack. They were able to get her heart beating again and she was put into an induced coma and moved into the Intensive Treatment Unit. Within a day of being there, it became apparent that there really wasn’t anything more they could do for her. The brain damage she had sustained during the heart attack was too severe. We had to make the decision to let her go.
Although it was incredibly difficult, I was able to hold her hand, as they withdrew life support and she left this world.
The last few weeks have been some of the longest and most traumatic of my life. As some of you may know, my Dad has terminal cancer. So whilst dealing with everything to do with Mum’s death, we’ve had to watch Dad decline to the point where he no longer wants to/can get out of bed. I don’t know how long he’ll be with us.
I’m facing the prospect of losing both parents within a matter of months of each other.
During his illness and looking after both parents, blogging was a necessary respite for me. However, right now I don’t have any energy or inclination to blog. I’m going to take some more time away from the blog. I hope to return sometime in 2017, as I’ve loved blogging. It could be as early as the New Year but it does depend on how the Christmas period goes, or it could be as late as the Spring; always a time for rejunevation.
Thank you to everyone who’s support my wee corner of blogland and for some of you for asking how I’ve been recently.
I hope you all have a peaceful Christmas and New Year.
I took this photo of Mum and I holding hands last year when we went over to celebrate her birthday, never ever expecting the meaning it would hold for me today.
Love you Mum.
Oooooh, Jacqueline. I'm am terribly sorry and please accept my prayers and condolences.
I had been wondering and I assumed it was your dad, but to find out that your mom passed just makes me so sad.
Thank you for your condolences, Jodie, so appreciated.
Jacqueline, you are not going to believe me, but I fell asleep thinking about you and your dad, wondering how he was doing and assuming I had just missed out on blog posts you had shared. I told myself as I drifted off I would connect with you today and check in. And then I found your post in my inbox and…well, now I have the answers to my questions, but I would never have wanted those answers to be this. I can only imagine how you must feel right now. I am so sorry to hear all of this.
Please know you how much you mean to our blogging community–I have missed you for sure. But that's not to say "get back on the blogging wheel." It's to let you know that you are significant and you mean something to those of us who read your posts. So, when the time comes and you're ready, we'll be here. And if there is anything I can do between now and then to lend support and strength, know I'm here.
Oh I do believe you as I've been thinking of you too! Thank you so much for your kind words. I do miss everyone I've connected with since blogging so thank you for saying I've been missed. You already are lending strength and support with your words. Take care of yourself too.
I am so sorry to hear about the big loss in your life. I wish you lots of strenght.
Thank you Nancy. I'm digging deep for strength.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and all the difficulties you are going through right now. You have been missed.
Sending along a big hug and much strength.
Thank you Suzanne. And I too, have missed so many of you all but I will return when I've survived Christmas. You can't keep a good 50+ blogger down for long!
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It is quite understandable you need some time off now, to grieve, to look after your dad, and simply to recuperate from the shock.
Yes, your world has irrevocably changed, and I suppose it feels almost as if time has stopped, and a lot of things you previously enjoyed or worried about suddenly seem trivial. You only have so much energy, and something like this puts things into perspective and your priorities are suddenly crystal clear.
Take your time, make sure you look after yourself, and enjoy the precious, bittersweet time you have left with your dad. That's all that matters now.
Thank you Tiina for your wise words. It is very much as you've said. It's surreal as it does feel as if time has stopped. There's been so much paperwork to churn through even to just arrange the funeral and then, of course, now to sort out her estate. It feels never ending so I'm really having to pace myself and just focus on work, admin and Dad. My friends have been so kind and supportive and that really helps at times like these. Thank you for your support.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are doing God's work, and it is indeed difficult, stressful and lonely. You will be in my thoughts.
Thank you Susan for your kind words.
Oh how poignant! That photo of your hands. At this time of our lives we never know how long we have left with our loved ones. I'm so sorry you are dealing with both your parents' passing at once!
Thanks for letting us know, and a biiiiig hug for you. xo Jazzy Jack
Very true, we never know. I knew she was nearing the end because of her age but it's still a shock. Thanks for the hug, Jazzy Jack. xx
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear of your Mum's passing. Sending you good vibes and a reminder to please take care of yourself as well. Don't worry about the blogging – we'll still be here!
Wise words Sheila, which I'm trying to do and Tall Brown Fox is making sure I do take care of myself. Thank you for your good vibes – much needed. xx
I'm so sorry for your loss, sending you lots of support and love!
Thank you Monica for your support and love. Very kind.
My dear Jacqueline, I am so sorry for your loss! And to have your father not well at the same time. You have my deepest sympathy. I can just imagine how hard this has been. Stay strong and do the best you can. The blogosphere will wait for you my dear! I hope you have lots of day to day support because it will be so necessary for you right now. I wish I lived close by so I could help you out in some way! xoxo
I won't lie, Jill, it has been tough but sometimes life is just that – tough – and you have to find a way through. I do so appreciate everyone's kind words including yours and your offer of helping out if you could is very touching. I'll be joining the How I wear series again very soon. I've missed you all.
I wish I could jump in and give you a hug Jacqueline. I have just been through a similar thing with my mum. She is still with us but only just. I have a tear, no it's several now. knowing what your going through and what is to come.If you need to chat please message me. We must have that tea sometime xx
Laurie, my thoughts are with you too. It's so hard isn't it when parents get old. When things settle down a little in the New Year, a tea and chat with you would be absolutely lovely. xx
i'm so sorry to hear of your loss. my condolences to you and your family.
Thank you Rena, appreciate your condolences.
You poor soul. This must be extremely hard times. I will try and send good thoughts and light candles. You never know how the cosmos works. Perhaps it will give you some glimps of light.
Cannot think of anything to say to help you.
Thank you Greetje, what you said was enough and much appreciated. Hard times indeed but good thoughts and lit candles all help. They do indeed give some glimpse of light.
Oh Jacqueline I've just seen this and my heart absolutely goes out to you – I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. My parents are both well into their 80s and every single day I worry about them.
I'm so sorry for your loss especially when your dad's been ill as well. I'm thinking of you and of course blogging is the last thing you should be thinking about (until you feel the time is right to get back into it of course).
Sending much love and hugs your way,
Life can be worrying with elderly parents so I sympathise with your situation, Catherine. Thank you for your thoughtful words.
I do miss you all and I will be back to blogging soon.
This is such sad news and my heart goes out to you. My sincere condolences. Such a beautiful photo.
Dear Jacqueline, I remember seeing this photo of your hands clasped together and commenting on it at the time. I'm so very sorry for your loss and sorry too that life is still so hard for you. Take care and come back when you're ready.
Oh no I'm so sorry for your loss! I can't even imagine. I stopped by thinking I hadn't heard from you in a while and was overdue a visit to your blog – what a sad story to come to. I know it must be even sadder experiencing it. Take care of yourself, rest and recuperate and return to the blog when you feel ready – don't stress, the blog can wait.